What If's

sometimes i wonder "what if" for hours upon end, thinking things would be better then. Do you think we wouldnt live in sin... if all those "what if"s were "what did"s? would i be happier if things went a certain way? how come all those times i feel like i have found someone that i never wanna take my eyes off of they end up leaving me feeling alone and if possible, even more empty? like i was the one that did the wrong doing? or sometimes i think, what if i had NEVER joined the army straight out of high school? would i have eventually? would i still become the person i am today regardless? or would i still be scared of life and doing anything risky? there are so many things that i think about and so in truth i cannot say that i have no regrets. i have too many and the worst part is, i cannot change it nor do i try.

EPIC PROPORTIONS

ok people i have decided on a.... career, shall i call it? i mean everybody has bills and dont get me wrong. i know it... but i want the easier way. the faster way if you will... so i have decided under careful concideration that i will become and exotic dancer...or as the american population likes to refer to it as... a stripper. i mean look they get paid atleast 100 dollars a night...right? and atLEAST double that on the weekends...im guessing. sooo it seems good to me. and for all those out there that look down on strippers are not perfect themselfs. yes, a lot of them do bad things in their free time but not all of them. some are going to school and shit like that. therefor meaning that more people should help them out. and you know i know a lot of people who used to strip and youd NEVER figure THEM to be like that. my main point and case. people will judge me. i might lose friends but damn it...it needs to be done.

Bleh

im going home in august and i really need to save up or ill end up spending money on something to later on, have nothing :( i am always good at advising other people on how they should spend things and they end up getting their shit together but for WHATEVER reason i cannot follow my OWN advice. sooo sad i know? and then im getting invited to do a bunch of things before i leave. it truely sucks that i dont have my $32,000 that i DID have [and that story is for another time]. life sure has a way of making me feel dumb! lol. so anywho that concludes my rant for now. im sleepy. oh and kickin it with the friends in a hot tub last night=brilliant!

Facebook

So for all those that have ADHD, facebook is the place to be lol.

i used to hate it cuz i rarely logged in and everytime i did i had some BS notifications about college life or farmville. first of all, i didnt go to college because of the fact that i joined the army instead and even if i did want to...i sure as hell didnt want to after that app. all it is about is dressing up this UGLY character in even UGLIER clothing, parties and stuff like that. if i wanted to spend so much money on a party id go to VEGAS where i can atleat get cool cups and play slots to hopefully get more money lol. and that farmville app... ok people i dont live on a farm and frankly i dont plan on it lol.

see how i have strayed from my main point and case?

now i LOVE facebook because now that i have gotten a sort~of hang of it, i like that i ALWAYS have a notification on someone saying something or the cool groups like, "you're not sorry you did it, your sorry i found out" it's sooo funny and it sures my ADHD. i can seriously be on there ALL DAY long and there isnt a dull moment where im like...gheeze this is just like myspace... DONT GET ME WRONG, i LOVE myspace because i can personalize my profile and my i add it looks NICE! http://www.myspace.com/frecklesoo go check it out. but it isnt like facebook where people, for the most part, say stuff that is on their mind and you can make a conversation out of it. i mean GREAT!

well this is all on my rant haha! its like twitter but sooo much more to do lol. oh another thing to check on is http://www.skype.com/ it is THE BEST in video chat with cool add ons lol.

BANG BANG!

A long time ago, i didnt care about being alone. it was something i was used to and grew to love. i didnt have to worry about what others were doing, or if they were "ok". i was never disappointed in someone and i could always count on myself to do something. as soon as i opened myself up to be "loved" by someone i no longer counted on JUST ME. it was me and them against the world. that was my thought. i CHOOSE this person to share my everything so they should do the same. what i didnt know, however, was that not EVERYONE grew up the way i did. not everyone HAD to be alone. some people grew up with friends and a family that, even though things werent the BEST, they were together. so when that "someone" left me for something better i took it as a betrayal. they had listened to my secrets and my very soul and whne they left i felt as though i had NOTHING, because i shared my all with them. this is when it started. i say im not the jealous type... i say that i am trusting....i say a lot of things that, lord knows, i do my damnedest to hide. during a relationship i CAN be that one... the cool girlfriend that never gets jealous and is very optimistic and trusting... but im not. i just never show it. when a guy tells me about all his "friends that are girls" it hurts. for whom do you fall for if not your best friend? i dont trust HIM or HER but will i show it? hell no. because i want to believe that things will be always fine if i never show my bad points. behind all my smiles he wont see my questions in my eyes... the why? the will you? and even though i know that being single will save me from a lot of this... i cannot be alone. for the fact that it hurts. your in public and you see the mom pushing a stroller and the dad holding on to the oldest childs hand. it hurts me with a passion. im NOT always happy. im NOT always non chalant. im sad. im lonely. even when my friends start to drift away, it PAINS me. im sure there ARE relationships i could be in with guys i know but they are guys that i wouldnt be faithful to so im not gonna put them in a situation where im going to hurt them. and when a guy that i DO like likes me back i push them away because i dont trust their motives. do you really like me, or just what you THINK is me. lonelyness isnt just a pity...its a disease. I feel these feelings but im too ashamed to admit this to the people that might leave me if they knew. this concludes thoughts of a lonely soul.

Starting up again

ok so im starting this blog up again because i was inspired by someone i had initially thought, "is an asshole and has no redeeming quality" but then he had a blog and Lord knows, i LOVE saying whats on my mind lol. and the BEST part about a blog is you can pick and choose about what i rant about. i have many~a~problems for you to make your life seem SOOO much better so i hope you enjoy the fact that i have decided to open my thoughts up to the world. i will start with a more "in depth" on me. i am currently going through a seperation to someone that will never know the TRUE meaning of being alone. He has been pampered his whole life because he "almost drowned in a pool" wow. BIG FUCKING DEAL i have "almost drowned" plenty and in an OCEAN at that ok? but THAT is for another time. i am 21 years old but not for much longer. In mid~july i am going to be driving to California to take a trip back home to Hawaii where i think, will give me the time i need to get back the "me" i lost sooo long ago [hopefully]. which reminds me, i should probably call my sister about my flight. i am half japanese and half white in which i'd like to call a cracker jap :). i love meeting new people and making friends without drama haha. i stand at 5'5" and wish i was 5'3" cuz some guys are just SHORT lol. lets see... i am very computer and cell phone SAVY lol and i enjoy the mechanics of it...bleh bleh bleh i could go on and on but i must stop procrastinating [one of my flaws] and start to clean this house haha. peace outside mutha fucka lol jk. PS. go on YOUTUBE and check out PETER CHAO