A long time ago, i didnt care about being alone. it was something i was used to and grew to love. i didnt have to worry about what others were doing, or if they were "ok". i was never disappointed in someone and i could always count on myself to do something. as soon as i opened myself up to be "loved" by someone i no longer counted on JUST ME. it was me and them against the world. that was my thought. i CHOOSE this person to share my everything so they should do the same. what i didnt know, however, was that not EVERYONE grew up the way i did. not everyone HAD to be alone. some people grew up with friends and a family that, even though things werent the BEST, they were together. so when that "someone" left me for something better i took it as a betrayal. they had listened to my secrets and my very soul and whne they left i felt as though i had NOTHING, because i shared my all with them. this is when it started. i say im not the jealous type... i say that i am trusting....i say a lot of things that, lord knows, i do my damnedest to hide. during a relationship i CAN be that one... the cool girlfriend that never gets jealous and is very optimistic and trusting... but im not. i just never show it. when a guy tells me about all his "friends that are girls" it hurts. for whom do you fall for if not your best friend? i dont trust HIM or HER but will i show it? hell no. because i want to believe that things will be always fine if i never show my bad points. behind all my smiles he wont see my questions in my eyes... the why? the will you? and even though i know that being single will save me from a lot of this... i cannot be alone. for the fact that it hurts. your in public and you see the mom pushing a stroller and the dad holding on to the oldest childs hand. it hurts me with a passion. im NOT always happy. im NOT always non chalant. im sad. im lonely. even when my friends start to drift away, it PAINS me. im sure there ARE relationships i could be in with guys i know but they are guys that i wouldnt be faithful to so im not gonna put them in a situation where im going to hurt them. and when a guy that i DO like likes me back i push them away because i dont trust their motives. do you really like me, or just what you THINK is me. lonelyness isnt just a pity...its a disease. I feel these feelings but im too ashamed to admit this to the people that might leave me if they knew. this concludes thoughts of a lonely soul.